If Not Now, When?

It’s been a minute, or at least 1.577×10^6 minutes, since my last post. My bad, y’all!

So much has happened over the last three years! Everything came to a head with my medical stuff and though I’m sure I’ll divulge even the most TMI details at some point, I #LiterallyCantEven with that right now. Fast forward a bit and the next major plot point is that I decided to go back to school to become a registered dietitian. Who could have seen that coming?? For the past two years I’ve been taking pre-requisite classes at a local college and finally understand why my pre-med friends were so stressed out about their classes. I can easily write an essay in mere hours if not minutes that’ll get me an A but there is nothing fast nor easy about studying for an organic chemistry exam and memorizing mechanisms, formulas, amino acid structures, and the like. Studying is so much harder than writing!

I went into my post-bacc experience feeling pretty down on my intellectual self. As I saw it, I had exited my tech career less than gracefully and the memory issues I had towards the end of that really did a number on my self-esteem.  Being back in school, it was difficult for me to adjust to the sheer amount of knowledge I needed to absorb. Furthermore, I had crippling performance and social anxiety which resulted in an abundance of tears and such dread each and every exam day and even some lecture days. The first year felt so hard and though I can reflect on it now as a season of growth and a great show of tenacity and perseverance, at the time it seemed untenable.

However, not feeling as smart as I used to feel nor as charismatic as I used to be forced me to develop other strengths to get by. I learned the importance of things like admitting weaknesses, asking for help, and showing up in a new way.  Fearful that I might one day have a breakdown or other medical emergency requiring an extended absence, I prioritized going to class and rarely made exceptions to my personal perfect attendance policy. This was vastly different from my previous college experience in which I maxed out the attendance policies in every class every semester.

My dad loves to say that 90% of life is showing up and I love to roll my eyes at him every single time he says that. But as much as I enjoy ignoring my dad’s advice and relish proving him wrong, I’m getting to that age where I can accept that my parents know a thing or two and this may be one of those things. There were a few times this year where attending every lecture, going to office hours, asking for help, and just generally demonstrating that I’m trying my hardest probably made the difference between an A and a B. My GPA is forever grateful!

In August I’m moving to Washington — the state — to finish my B.S. Nutrition and Exercise Physiology with intentions of pursuing my Masters of Dietetics there as well. I oscillate between overwhelming fear and “Is this real life?”-level excitement and astonishment that I’ve been blessed enough to get a second shot at pursuing education that will help me live a purposeful life with a fulfilling career. But my current philosophy in life is that fear, momentary physical discomfort, and momentary emotional discomfort aren’t good enough reasons to delay or avoid a decision, a conversation, an activity, etc. In fact, they’re terrible reasons and succumbing to them will only lead to a half-baked life in which I might be comfortable but certainly not happy and probably a good bit bored.

This revelation led to an onslaught of new activities with mixed results. Overcoming my fear of karaoke with my cousin led to an unforgettable night whereas overcoming my fear of bicycles led to a sprained ankle and I still don’t know how to ride a bike. The last time I sprained it (2015), I was in bed for weeks with Netflix, ice packs, and take-out as my only solace because I’m pretty sure the R.I.C.E. treatment plan could use some fine-tuning. This time I was back at the gym within 24 hours, fulfilled all of my prior obligations, kept social plans, and just rocked life the best I could — boot and all. Though it threw a wrench in my biking timeline, I think on some level I really needed to see myself face an old struggle in a new way. What was once a big letdown became an empowering experience.

The sprain also allowed me to get a clearer picture of what issues I still need to spend some time on. Though I worked out five days a week for the duration of the injury, there were a few weeks where I didn’t push myself as hard as usual in cardio and the reduced endorphins were insufficient to combat both my usual mood and now pain as well. Endorphins have been my go-to cure-almost-all for so long now that I forgot what I’m like when you take those out of the equation. I picked up an old not-so-healthy coping mechanism and was reminded how I respond to unforeseen stressors, changes, and loss of control. This is such a better time to begin to process that than in two months when I move across the country and encounter an abundance of changes.

Timing is everything and I’m reminded all of the time lately:

P.S. Check out http://www.toquietnights.com/ written by a friend who both emotionally and actually coached me through organic *and* encouraged me to start up the ol’ blog again. #GetYouAFriendWhoCanDoBoth